A Dark Retreat Testimonial by Verena
1 week Dark Retreat
Entering the darkness and remembering the Light within
** My experience in a dark retreat **


„Is Kali, my mother, really black?

The naked One, of blackest hue,

lights the Lotus of the Heart...“


So I am just coming out of a week long dark room retreat, which is being isolatedin a room with toilette and shower, but absolutely no light and I feel very inspired this time to share about this powerful experience as it might inspire someone who is curious about it already.

The first two days were more or less about getting comfortable and adjusting my system and mind to this new situation of utter blackness. As I was doing the dark retreat the third time so far I wasn't feeling contracted about not being able to see anything as it was a bit the case in my first retreat. Rather a feeling of profound release and relaxation was moving through me and yet in the first days my mind would say a lot like, „Really??, this we do now ?? Are you suuuure …?? “ And I would sometimes get into the trap and listen and engage in questioning , but then drop it and just let the mind talk its monologues, sometimes dialogues or more parties involved who I don't even know.


After some days I perceived many beautiful colours and also there was so much light sometimes shining from my right upper eyecorner, sometimes from the left. 

All sorts of things, faces, shapes, colours were appearing in front of my eyes, like magnificent landscapes, a lot of water scenes, underwater worlds, rivers and lakes and so many different animals, one day all wild cats were with me. So so beautiful. 

I wish I could draw like this. 


Spending time in complete darkness is a very ancient ayurvedic treatment from India, called Kaya Kalpa and was also used for slowing the aging process, maintaining physical health and delaying physical death until one achieves jiva-mukta (spiritual liberation from the effects of karma). But more than these benefits it supports the direct understanding that we are not just the physical body. 


„The darkness actualizes successively higher states of divine consciouness, correlating with the synthesis and accumulation of psychedelic chemicals in the brain.“


What happens in the body is that in the first days melatonin, a regulatory hormone, quiets the body and mind for the finer and subtler realities of higher consciouness, pinoline permits visions and dream- states to emerge in our conscious awareness (around day 3-5) and eventually the pineal gland synthesizes the „spirit molecules“ 5-MeO-DMT and DMT, facilitating transcendental experiences of universal love and compassion (according to Mantak Chia in the book Darkness Technology).


I started to perceive my body in a state of increasing transparency and softness, a profound stillness and yet my cells were vibrating. Sometimes I was having a feeling of almost elevating or a movement lifting me upwards .All kinds of emotions were moving through me, feeling sadness one day and intense bliss the next one, watching the journey of my life. 

The darkness is holding a powerful medicine for us as we lose all reference points, finally true intimacy opens her arms for us. 

No more hiding or distracting. 

All can surface. 

It is like the womb, a nourishing living blackness, holding us so warm and tight in our processes, and the same time the fierce black mother, cutting though all layers of our identifications.


After some days naturally my meditations went deeper and a natural turning inwards took place. I could observe how the senses in our daily life move our attention outwards all the time and engage us with the outer world, the world of me, the subject, perceiving objects and letting us forget the inner worlds, deeper dismensions of being, where there is fewer and fewer separation, but increasing love. 


Love for my personality, my life story, all my relationships, my emotions and my darkness, as I can understand from a view of deeper perspective, like a more intelligent mind state opened, allowing me to see the connectedness of events, personality traits and dynamics in my life and my heart just cries in compassion, humbleness, in gratitude and awe for this mystery and magic we are experiencing together in this earthly dance. 


I got remembered again how important it is to be in alignment with my thoughts, words and actions, meaning that all I say and think and do matters and leave traces. 


And no emotion or anything we dont wanna feel can be denied, we can't escape as the energy won't disappear, but longs to be embraced and alchemized within our powerful heart space. 


In the night on New Year's Eve I was witnessing a lot of darkness and fear. 

The darkness presenting itsself in pictures of blood and animal cruelty, horrific faces looking in my eyes, hungry ghosts trying to touch me. My heart was beating in fear and I tried not to look but stay in non reactivity and focusing on my chest area. I started praying with my Mala as I did every day and reciting the Tara Mantra, which has brought so often release and softening into my heart. 


Her energy is so powerful and greatly willing to help I feel. 

After I was praying to Jesus, an intense longing for him and the Love he is radiating was expanding in my chest area and the remaining fear dissloved into a deep meditation and peace. 


At some point my heart felt like growing out of my body and like glowing. There was a lot of light and I felt love so intimatly as my very nature when I was embracing him and he dissloved into my heart. 


Internally I heard „the Light of Christ lives within in your heart“. 

Hot tears were flowing over my face and my heart felt like not able to hold this intensity and love. I was crying in devotion and profound gratitude, bowing down in surrender. 

The Love of God dwells within my Heart, pulsing as a sacred vibration and I could feel how this vibration is uniting all our hearts as the One Sacred Heart of the Cosmos. 

Where everything is present the same time. I remembered so powerfully that we all have this most sacred and secret portal and our courage to start looking for it, our trust and willingness are the key and it is nowhere else to find than within ourselves .. in the deepest of the deepest chamber of the Heart. 


And waiting...

Thank you so much for reading!

May we support each other on this journey and may all our hearts dance as One in ecstatic expansion towards true freedom.


So much Love to all of you, 


January 7, 2021